Saturday, 25 April 2009

Change me...

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The perculiar thing about change is that one does not notice it when it happens. Lately, I have found myself in that rather odd position of being me, but not the me that I think I am. I am a rather nevrotic, party-hard, restless girl. Or, that is what I feel I am. But then I find myself living a rather different life inside a different girl. And I wonder how that came to be. Now, this is a difficult one, because I don't feel I am living anyone else's life, nor do I think I am being untrue to myself. No, I am being me as profoundly as always, maybe even more so now than before. But still, when I think of me, this is not it!

Which leads me to the question of what do I feel about the me I am now, and the life I am leading now. Somehow I feel this is a in-between life. Somehow this is just a pause, a break, a paranthesis in my real life. That I will one day return back to the me which I was before.

Which, of course, is impossible. In order to do so, so many things would have been erased, not only removed, but completely undone. And we all know that these things cannot be undone. Ever. Small boys with bottomless eyes and dimples on their knees cannot be undone.

I don't miss my old me much, it's not that. It was a good me, but not the best me (as Oprah would have put it). So, it's not me missing the before that makes me unsettled in this new me. I guess it's because the change happened so sudden. And it changed me into someone I never thought I would be. Not someone I never wanted to be. Whether I wanted to be this or not was irrelevant, because I never thought about it. It was like thinking about whether I wanted to be a fish, or not. It wasn't applicable. Thus, I guess, that is why I find myself here. Not owning myself nor my life.

I guess I will grow into it. I am not uncomfortable where I am. Just puzzled as to how I ended up here, and what to do with myself now. This new me. This me I don't really know yet.

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